Going back.

I told you not to wrinkle forheads on this, but here I am...

[this entry was originally handwritten yesterday. I just decided to transfer it because I have nothing else to do. It's weird of me to write this up to 12 midnight. >__>;]

Forgetting, they say, is like trying to remember someone whom you never really knew. It is like picking up shards, which bring about the hopes of discovering something the world never knew before, yet with it is the possibility of being a failure despite tremendous effort.

He may never know, but I possess this tiny spark of hope that he might notice me. I am the girl behind the smiles and giggles that come about because of his charming face and persona. I am the girl behind the crowd, looking over someone's shoulder and seeing the big realm of his environment in which he is the center. I am the girl behind the chaos of his popularity and social affairs--and like everybody else, my fingers are crossed, hoping that he would drop a glimpse despite the immense crowd that gathered to him.

But who am I to kid myself? I am not dumb not to figur it out, and I am not dense to deny it. He does not see me from that crowd. Actions are like words, they may look the same but their meanings are worlds away. And from what I see it as it is, he sees me as a common admirer. We exchange glances with each other, and he is thinking that I am secretly crushing on him. This fact can simply boost his ego, knowing that another person has been added to his long list of admirers. No, it is not a sign of vanity, rather it is normal to people given his characteristics--attractive countenance, amazing talent, magnetic personality and all. The whole package.

But still, there are what ifs. What if he knew me? What if he's not the person I see from afar? What if I can be one of his closest friends (if ever) I knew him?

But what face do I have to even step forward? Do I have something in me which I can prove my worthiness as someone who will force herself into his life? I am not bold enough to risk my heart. I am not strong enough to suck in all the pain that will come if ever I knew he was setting his eyes on another girl which is obviously same to his standards. Which leaves me to compare myself and feel worse. I guess you could call that nonsense, and these things might not enter in your mind. But these things are what I really feel right now. Which leaves me to conclude that I dare not to take any step further. God shall make a way for me if it's His will.


I can best describe my situation as being a venturous scientist. I am halfway through a long, dark tunnel with a bleak light on the next end. At the other end is my safe zone, my home, in case I will retreat from my journey. Who knows what is at the end? I can never find out. The clues I gather along my way always left me uncertain, and the darkness of the tunnel discouraged me enough.

What if I reached a dead end and disappoint myself so bad? What if I was too much to expect that something was really there for me? What if there was no trace of something I was looking for?

So now I turn around, and head back to my safe zome where it all began. I will gather all the clues, expectations, and hopes and I will bury them in the dirt. The consequences are too great for me to endure. God will still find a way to let me know if what I'm doing is wrong. For the meantime, this is what I have decided to do. I have been swearing to get over this again and again because it affects me so much. But this time, I am serious about it. No more turning back.

I am letting all my emotions pass, as well as all affections I might have for him.