In the Midst of Stress and Exhaustion

I like blogging when I'm stressed, not relaxed. I like blogging when I'm in a hurry, because when it happens, my thoughts flow simulataneously. Ok, I won't promise this as an interesting post. I'm just going to rant about this darn Photography class.

I spent more than 2000 pesos just buying Photo Papers and films. Right now I feel so broke, like my money is all wasted and spent on my poor Photography skills. Right now, I just set up a home-made studio in our sala, because the shots I took earlier this morning were crap, and I have to redo it again. Imagine having to spend another 200 pesos to buy another roll of black and white film. It's like I'm paying for my grade. I don't even know if this would turn out well since it's dark already and lighting is not that good enough. Anyways, I just have to do my best and not screw up in this. I'm sincerely praying to God that He would allow me to take good photos this time. I don't wanna spend my mom's money again just so I always take bad shots. I'm so happy that I will be out of this course in no time.

Stressed out!

Random plug. A message to a friend:

I'm tired of people who befriend you for the wrong intentions.

Yes, I'm talking about you Ian. How could you think such a thing?

You read me wrong. Get a grip. I'm so disappointed with people like you, you who think girls who want to be your friend immediately like you back. And if they didn't you'll give them a cold shoulder? I mean, how immature, unintelligent, overly exaggerated is that? I thought you were a great friend. I really did. In fact, you were one of my best friends in UP. But aside from that, I only look at you as my brother, my classmate, nothing more than that. Yes, we did go to lunch together, but that does not mean anything to me. It's just a freakin' lunch. I'm sorry if I made it turn out to seem like we have "something special". Just don't act so 'uncool' and stiff like we actually did have something special. It bothers me and I know it's just so wrong.

A Post to Relieve My Headache

It's been a busy week and just about a couple of minutes ago I suffered from a fever-slash-headache syndrome. I don't know why, probably because of the intense afternoon heat I experienced on my way home from school. See, I had to go to school for a meeting about a concept paper due on Thursday. To top it all, I have 2 midterm exams on Monday and I've only finished reviewing 3/4ths of the first subject. What a progress.

I suck with my majors, I don't know, probably because I lost interest in it. Probably it was because of that certain psychology that I'm going to transfer anyways.

My mom's still in Germany and she'll be home on Tuesday or Wednesday I think. I'm often thinking about going on an overnight trip with my family in Batangas for summer. I'm always thinking about it. I want to just take a break and have a good time with them. Hopefully I can cram a vacation date since summer would still be busy for me--I have to take summer classes for my transfer. Doesn't that suck?

I think I'm going to miss Diliman. That serene, peaceful atmosphere...I'll surely miss that. I'll miss the heart of UP happenings, I will miss being part of the flagship campus. I'll miss seeing that grandiose University Avenue, where, lo and behold, the Oblation stands in its fullest glory. I'll miss life in UPD.

I hope this month will be over, as well as Feb and March. I'm going to be so happy.

Just a Boy

Last Tuesday, I was about to meet a friend to have lunch together at the Japanese Restaurant inside Shopping Center. I was on a bench, idly waiting for this friend then my eyes set upon this boy.

He was not just some boy. He was the boy I used to like. In fact, he was the only boy I admired so far, the only one until I shall leave UP Diliman. I knew he saw me, and recognized me, but he ignored. My eyes too, didn't follow his path.

But there was this loud 'thud' in my heart. I don't what that 'thud' was for, it just came about. After he was out of sight, I started questioning myself why did that happen in the first place seeing that I am not concerned with him anymore. Was that stupid of me?

I don't know. Maybe it was. I nostalgically thought about the days I always looked forward every Electronics class just so I could see his pretty face. I admired that he was a Chemistry Major. And that he came from the province. He seemed so charming and I love the way he chuckles with his acquaintance seat mate. I even let him be the subject of one of my works in Creative Writing. I wanted to smile, but every time he seemed so near, I get jittery and my heart palpitates like crazy. In the corner of my mind I wish he would talk to me and take my number. But it never happened, I felt crushed. In fact, he had a girlfriend the same day I hoped he would talk to me.

I held back the tears as I went inside the library, trying to swallow the painful lump bulging in my throat.

Since that day, I never admired a person the same way. Maybe I had enough, maybe I'm thinking about other things. Maybe I'm thinking about my life and what's ahead of me. Maybe it's not time to think about a boy.

All those daydreams soon faded--I felt stronger, happier, more content. And then you wondered what happened next? He became just a boy. Just a boy.

Art vs Science

Who ever said that Art is easy-peasy compared to Science? Better think again.

Science is a series of laid-out facts, constant information ready to be applied and used by its practitioner. In many cases, people need science for basic survival, and one cannot live without its technological facets. In Medicine alone, Science has proved itself to be an indispensable option for human survival. Its practitioners are sought by people, to find cures for their ailments, to find solutions to technical problems.

Science is an acquired skill which cannot be practiced by many, but is limited to those people who are only qualified and certified to perform its operations. Science is objective. There are many solutions, but it boils down to one answer, and that achievement of the answer defines your success, no matter how much time you've spent on it.

Art on the other hand, is opposite. Art is not defined in a box, its objectivity is at blur. Art enhances humans' appreciation of life, but does not necessarily affect survival. Art is subjective, it seeks to give pleasure to the people who experience it. Art is not the master, art is the follower. Art bends to the cultural norms of every society to be considered acceptable in its realms. Art practitioners also possess a defined skill, people may appreciate, people may not.

Art is difficult, and not every instance does it satisfy those who experience it. It's a matter of preference, culture, or even mood swings. Art wishes to please, but success is achieved only if a spectator appreciates your work. Other than that, unlike minded people will hate your work, not because it is universally accepted as ugly, but because they think it is. Every art is arguable of its acceptance in every angle.

Forgive me if I sound too scholarly, but this was just an insight I was thinking earlier this morning as I was going to school. Last Monday, we received our plates for Film 110(Photography). Everyone in our class got a grade of 1.5 above while there were two of us who got 1.75. The other girl who got 1.75 was the one who took that specific picture whom I think was aesthetically beautiful than everyone else's. And I wonder why is that so? Not that I'm bitter about my grade, but as I begin to realize things over and over...

In a world where there is an increasing mindset of practicality at the whilst of a booming population who demands survival, who is likely to win the competition?

Art is subjective, I seek people, I will plead for people to appreciate my work.
Science is a skill, a degree that sets you apart and qualifies you to perform a duty where the people will be the one who will seek and plead for you.
Unlike Art, Science cannot be a luxurious hobby.

These thoughts cloud in my mind, as I was thinking about transferring and getting a medical-related course. These thoughts move me more in pursuing that decision.

Classmate

Dear Classmate,
Nakakita ako ngayon ng mga pictures mo kasama ang girlfriend mo. Sa totoo lang, medyo nadisappoint ako sayo. Wala ka pang isang taon dyan sa America, ganyan ka na. Nasan na ang moral mo? Oo naaintindihan ko mahal mo yung tao, pero shempre yung dating sa ibang tao, hindi maganda kasi parang ang basis ng pagmamahalan niyo ay yung "lust" na meron kayo sa isa't isa. Hindi naman sa nakikialam, pero parang malungkot para sakin kasi naging kaklase kita. I mean, kung lalake ako at ako magkakagirlfriend, hindi ko babalakin na ibalandra yung katawan ng gf ko kasi kahit papano, nirerespeto ko yung pagkababae niya. Ang lumalabas kasi na masama o hindi maganda yung values eh yung girlfriend mo, kasi shempre siya yung babae, siya yung nagdedesisyon sa mga ganung bagay, lumalabas talaga na walang wala na yung pagkadelikadesa niya. Sayang, kasi first time mo pa naman magkaroon ng girlfriend, at masaya ako sayo kasi nandyan ka sa US, pero sobrang nag-iba yung tingin ko sayo since nagpost ka ng mga ganung klaseng pictures. Alam ko meron din naman mga sexual drives na di maiwasan isipin pero...

He was my classmate since Grade 4 to 4th year high school, I've known him to be a sweet and funny guy. I used to remember every Physics class when his jokes make our day. He loves color red and hamburgers, and makes funny pictures of my guy classmates in high school.

Carlo, konting values naman.

Yesterday

Yesterday was one of the most wackiest New Year celebrations I had. I and my cousins (Tin, Abi, Luke, Brien, Cathy) with my sister Denise went to SM Southmall. At first we had this plan of eating lunch somewhere. So we ended up in the foodcourt. When we got there, we decided that we don't like it there and planned to go to Pao Tsin. We don't know where Pao Tsin was so we ate in Flavors of China. We had trouble ordering food and mixing up our cash, (which ended up having no drinks--water only--and Abi had to buy C2 and Softdrinks at the Supermarket). We had fun and told lots of stories, including Luke's girlfriend named Donna. We made up funny names for their children: Ludon, Kedonnalyn, Kedon, whatever. We played random games like who is the hottest waiter/waitress in the resto, and dedicated weird songs to each other. Luke and Brien were a bit reserved, but I know they really want to talk and make jokes out of their own.

After that we went to the arcade and did lots of crazy things there. We rode the Space something, I forgot its name. The most decent ride in Storyland, yea, that's the right description. So there. And we won tickets in the dinosaur jackpot tickers. Abi even hit the bonus, and Tin got 50. Denise spent all her coins on token and Cathy kept on insisting that I give her 1 peso coins so that she can make all the coins fall down on the machine. There are some crazy goons singing in the Karaoke.

Then the grown-ups caught up with us at Kenny Rogers and we ate dinner there like the usual. When we got home, had another celebration and sang Happy Birthday to Lolo. We played games and stuff. It was funny when Lolo sang and yawned at the middle of his singing.

This New Year is very memorable for me. And I thank God that He gave me another year to breathe on this earth and experience good things that no precious bling-bling can ever replace.

I'm letting off some steam

Today I don't feel so good about my dog, Choco. He seems pretty annoying today since he won't poop or pee on the new sandy-rocky area of his pen that we built for him. The reason for this was to lessen my chores in cleaning his feces everyday. At least I would be less burdened by his sanitary deeds. Not that I'm complaining, no. I never complained when it comes to my dog. It just seems annoying that he won't follow what I say when it comes to peeing or pooping. I spanked him too hard and too many this day, but he still won't do it.

Okay. I also planned a reunion wherein probably 1/8 of the class responded so far. How can we have a reunion with only, like 10 people? I don't think this will work if people don't have the motivation to see each other's freakin' faces.

I feel so sleepy again and I haven't taken a bath.

People Change and I Just Did

Yesterday, before New Year's Eve, something happened. Okay, okay, I'll give you a clue. Somebody contacted me. We exchanged kamustas, and what-have-you-been-up-tos, random inside jokes, our lovelives, et cetera. He told me that he got a new cellphone and we'll be texting anytime as soon as he gets his Sun Cellular sim. I knew on the phone I sound glad, and a smile was plastered on my face after the phone call. I'm somehow happy that after months of aloofness, he finally called. (Take note, this guy is my friend).

But after our family party as I went upstairs and finished some unfolded clothes left in my bed, I contemplated about it. And somehow, I knew I have become very different since we lost contact. It's not like every single thing before can go back in a split second. I can't text him in front of my mom when she's talking, I can't do that anymore. Not like before. I don't want to go back to that time line in my life, where I was stupidly doing things for my own satisfaction. I've changed. People change.

I don't even know what I'm talking about, I'm kind of confused. Bottom line is, I don't want to be someone who wallows her face in her cellphone where as a fact she's missing the best things in her life due to obsessively looking at her phone's LCD. I can't be that person anymore.

Right now, I don't even know how to like someone (as in opposite sex).
I feel so flabbergasted, jaded, tired or whatever you call it to the point that I feel so irritated when someone shows "romantic" interest to me. There are times that I want to say it out loud: "I'm sorry, I'm just not interested. Can't you get a clue?" But sadly I'm not a frank person. Because I know frank people have lesser friends. I just keep it to myself and wish that people won't hope on me when they need someone to feed their egos and use me as their security blanket.

Since I've been a "crush-y" person since I was a young teenager, nobody believs me when I tell them right now that I'm not interested on anyone. As in anyone. And it feels great not to think about some stupid person who'll make you do stupid things and make you cringe out of regret later on. I hope this goes on for a long, long time. Because right now, I feel so satisfied with myself. I feel like I'm not lacking anything. I'm obsessed with this situation I'm in right now. I feel so good, so free from inhibitions. I feel like I have God, my family, and my friends. I feel so happy.