yoko na...

I don't want to be sad anymore.

I just did my devotions this morning and I was reminded by God again.

in times of distress, keep in mind all the things He has done to your life.

I can truly say that I missed seeing all of these during the past few weeks.

I'm sorry God.

if this thing that I don't want to happen should happen, then so be it. I could be in pain for some time but after that wounds will heal. Hurts can mend. New circumstances will come about. It's not the end of the world. Bigger things are in line in my life; I know He has prepared something for me. No, I'm not saying I'm letting go...I'm just letting things unfold in my life, watching them happen. I won't force myself in other people's lives. I don't believe in taking chances when most likely you will regret taking that chance because of a wrong decision.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God."

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will grant the desires of your heart."

As of now, I just want to finish my studies, go to college, continue my ministry and deepen my faith in God...that's all I want to think about first. Sometimes, it's just hard because my heart and mind is vulnerable about a lot of things. No, I'm not letting go, I never wanted to... I'm just going to stay here and watch things happen before my eyes. If something could happen in a way that should affect me, then let it so. God still has plans for me. :-)

no idea what I'm going through

here I go again...

nobody has no idea how I'm feeling right now...actually I myself don't know how to feel. It's too much. It's like something unbearable, yet you force yourself to bear it, and the thought of actually writing about it pains you so. Knowing the fact that nobody would even care, and if you dared to tell anyone about it, that person would probably say, "suss, yun lang eh." so why bother to tell? Nobody gives a crap. I feel so much in the dumps and nobody has no idea about it. I keep this smile in front of my peers but inside I'm really breaking down. I don't know how to start off, once in a while I run to God but I think He's also telling me to spill it to other people. But to whom? They've actually never seen me cry or whatever...they would probably say "is that it?" or something similar.

I'm so sad I can't just blurt it out here...I have my name here. If I could just be another person from another time and another place I could just....

how it's like

if you've waited so long for something

and you came to realize that

that thing you've waited for

is not for you

because you're feeling that

another thing came along

and took it away from you

so easily

help...

can I just skip this phase?

I don't see the point in paining myself

why is it so hard to let go?

let me face the hard cold truth

let me feel it now

until it's too late to escape

I know God will be there. God will be there.

it's like walking on a road

knowing the fact that

there's a pit at the end waiting for you.

it could hurt at some point

but I don't want to feel it

I want Jesus to rescue me quick.

Should I still hold on the rope?

or should I learn to let go?

I need signs so badly...

it's been too long. Too long.

I'm still praying.

Weird

My friends could really relate to this blog post... I mean it's the same story over and over again!! ;p

"You know how it feels when you care about a person so deeply but that person has no idea how much you feel about them. You do everything do make yourself look discrete so that that person won't feel awkward around you. But you're afraid of a lot of things. First, you think that person is out of your league, and if you try to know that person, you might just be rejected. Second, you're afraid 'cause that person might not appreciate you the way you appreciate them. Third, it's just so hard because you might hurt other people in the process of trying to know that person. Fourth, you're afraid 'cause that person might be liking someone else and if you try to be friends, that person might just snob you.


So you try to forget. You try to move on. You promised not to make a big deal about it anymore. But then, all these weird happenings just happen and they make you hope and hope and hope. They make you feel so happy and inspire you in a lot of ways, even if you don't even know what those things meant. But in the end, there's no meaning to it after all. Those things just made you assume that that person is okay with you but it's not going to be okay. You put a smile on your face every morning but you cry yourself to bed. Everything around you that reminds you of that person cuts through the back of your throat and sends tears to your eyes. You surround yourself with friends and other people who appreciate you but instead you look around, in the hopes of seeing that person again. Your heart longs for that someone but that someone has no idea, and even if that person did know that you long for them, would that person give a crap about it?"