Drowning

I did not cut my wrist but I feel bleeding.
I did not pierce my heart but I am so in pain.
My fragile emotions are giving me such a difficult time.

Countless instances, I have tried to forget. Countless instances, I just tried to snap back and not make much of a deal with it.

My motto was, just let it pass. But what if the process of letting it pass brings me so much pain?

It's not like I see you everyday. I try my best to guard myself whenever you are around. I plant my barricades in your presence. I try to erase every clue that you might grasp that I wanted to know you so bad.

Do you know how it feels? I feel so unwanted. It is so hard to be a ghost in your eyes. It is so hard as a fact that you are all that I see, yet you see everyone but me.

I never dared to talk to you or know you upfront. If I did, you would guess my intentions. And as you know, they are not much to bother about in your part. If I did, I would just be the typical girl, crushing on you, then comes and goes away. I never intended to be one of those people.

Every circumstance that happened between me and you concludes that I am not pretty enough, nor popular enough, not cool enough, not good enough to be in your league.

Should I cry myself every weekend because my eyes set on you again, but you did not care?
Should I waste my every journal page because of the bitterness I feel just because I haven't known you?

You know what?
You look so happy. It's as if you don't need another person like me in your life. Don't worry. I'm in pain but this will pass. It's not you having a hard time but me.

Can I just lock my heart until the time I should marry just so I could skip this pain? I know God would never allow me to, but I'm sure He is still with me every step I take in this situation.

The problem is, I go there to serve God but everytime I see him again, the hurt shoots back, like a boomerang, ready to thrust and rip off my chest.

It is better for me to long for him when he's gone than to see him there all hurried up to go away.

I hate myself for liking you. I hate myself that I long for you so much, and up to now I still refuse to look at God's side to see what He still has in store for me. How long shall I be trapped here?

I'm locked up in your realm. Because you make me feel happiness and sadness at the same point. Happy because there's you again, everything that I have ever admired was in you. Happy because you are a believer like me. Yet, sad because I can't know you. Sad because I can't cross that line.

You are my ideal. You are like a box, a box of my favorite things all stuffed up into a compact. But ideal is not always right. Idealism is not always meant for us. The only idealism we should parallel our hearts to is God's ideal. How could someone who loved you so much not give the best for you?

Still, this is a game and I still have God. If I should cry every night to Him just so I could get tired of you, then so be it.