Guilt

What?? I screwed up again. I said "tanga" for the nth time in front of my classmates. GRRR I know it's kinda mababaw but how can I be an ambassador of faith if I keep saying this worldly words...last morning I asked Him to guide my mouth when I speak but it seems that it's me who's fallen into that stupid crap pit.

Ahh I feel so guilty and annoyed that I have to start all over again......
It's like climbing up a mountain and falling and thinking twice about going up again. What now? *sigh*

God, please guide my every word tomorrow.. even if I can't say "P.I." in front of my classmates I know it's such an un-Christian thing to do if I speak such stupid words.

Time waster thoughts

ok. I'm eating sweet corn in front of the PC. It's already 7.25, and I promised myself to get my butt out of here around 7.30. But what can I do? I'm so bored. I want to talk about my flirtiness. I personally think I am a flirt. Why? Because I easily get into flings without me knowing it. My mindset belongs to a young man's. I don't know. I'm vulnerable to emotions. It's so annoying. Am I a flirt for liking him? Why can't just my heart just lock itself for sometime till I am old enough to know what serious relationships mean?

Whatever!! I hope my mom's going home today. I can't wait because Monday's a dull day without her. It's just a random day to stretch me away from weekends. I loooooooooooooveeeeeeeeeee weekends. And I can't even wait for Sunday, because my friend might come for youth. Four days. Four days!

Much worse, I can't wait for camp. What does that event hold in store for me? Will that thing make me a better person in Christ? Will it make me cry (like it did for everybody else)? I can't waiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Will that thing make me closer to my fellow youthers? Agh.... I can't wait to experience pure fun! That is why I won't be going in our school's excursion. I'm saving for camp heller!! :P

OK so that's it I'm off now my times up byeee!

Today: All-ministry day

ok This sucks. I typed something like 5 paragrpahs and they were all erased. I don't know why. Grrr. That made me badtrip, but not badtrip enough to be happy today. Ok so let me just summarize. THANKS BLOGGER FOR RUINING MY POST. :)

1. I went to theater practice today. JP is so nice. I talked to him about senseless stuffs, about notorious boys and so and so. About my performance, it's already nearing, I hope everyone will come. I will do my part for you guys. And for God of course ;p. He's the man!

2. I went to dance ministry. Cool kahit konti lang kami. It's been like that for 2 meetings already. But it's okay.:) I learned some new steps! Thanks Kuya Chris...^_^

3. I talked to one of my friends in CCF, Camille. We talked about persecution, and she just told me to shake it off, and not cry about it or show that I am weak. Next time, I'll speak stuff which are of God's words and I'll pray that the Holy Spirit will guide me at what to do next time this stuff attacks me again. :)

4. I have decided to stay up late afternoon every weekday to extend some tutorial service to my classmates who need help in some subjects. >_>; yah, I know it's tedious work, but if I will not help them, who will? Maybe this is an opportunity to talk to them about love, life, to share the gospel with them. I grab the chance when I have to especially when it comes to reaching out for people. I mean, this is my chance! This is my class, the class I used to hate, the boys I used to call hypocrites! I don't want to condemn them forever, I want to help them because I know God wants them to change for his sake... At first I was napilitan, but now I realized that this is really something for God! Because if nobody will help them who will? Diba? :P

5. I hope to see Gabby tomorrow! I miss this cute little baby so much. I LOVE HIM!! He looks so much like Pierre Bouvier. :) TEH LITTLE DOOD IS SO CUTE! ^__^ I like it when he laughs and throws the rubber sunny-side up egg.

6. Tomorrows Youth! Well that's all for now. I should've posted a pic of Gabby, but I can't take the risk ruining this post again, over and over so, that's it!! Take care everyone...God Bless... I hope to see Patty tomorrow, who had chickenpox this week! I hope you're well now! ^_^

Such a flirtini

I remember one time I had a crush with a guy named Patrick (I was...12 years old at that time I think). Anyways, he is so "physically attractive" (no offence to anyone reading this especially if you're his beloved half or you are related to the guy) and just recently I saw a pic of him and his girl. Come to think of it, everything just falls into place in this world. The prince gets the princess, so and so. In the right time of course. It's just I recall those times I really admired this heartthrobbish dude. EW! I'm so stupid to make papansin to him even for a fact that I knew that he had a girl. And a coincidence bad enough, I was also stupid to think that he likes me because his girlfriend and I have the same name. Lol Patrick, I'm so sorry!!

Here, look at my über-regretful testi for him:

dunno. It just sucks. Am I obvious or what?! I'm such a flirt before. I try not to make that same mistake, because I don't want to regret any stuff anymore. But besides my point I'm really happy for Pat and Angeline. :) They look good together. See?

oh well. It's been 3 years sice they were together. Even before I came to know the dude. Awww. Blessed people :">.

I wonder if I'm also facing that same situation right now like three years ago. Liking someone who likes someone else? Could that be?

Agh let's forget this crap. I still have people to meet at college. :P That person's not my life anyway, I'm always praying that God is still the main agenda of my life. I know it's hard to maintain that focus in this worldly body and immature mind, but this time I'm really willing to. It just hurts, because I will never get the chance to know certain persons in my life at the time I liked them, but I guess God wnted it that way. He wants me to let go of something. Someone. He will give me someone better later on.

Well, I just wish Patrick and Angeline the best...^_^

I'm frustrated beyond words

Ok. First of all, you know that I'm a very sensitive person when it comes to my faith. In front of you, I never questioned why Catholics bow down to saints where as a fact all believers are saints themselves. I AM NOT SAYING THAT I AM HOLIER THAN EVERYONE ELSE IN THAT CLASS. I know it is my job to gather all the lost sheep, but they are not sheeps! They are hypocrites. Once I invited them in our little group outside school and I showed them what it's like to be like us. A week after? They go and make fun of me. They are weeds, weeds that kill and suffocate my faith. Countless times I have tried to grin and bear it but now I just can't. You belittled me so much. You insulted me so much beyond what I can bear without crying. I'm not crying because of that leadership issue. I can drop it off anytime like nothing happened but this Bible thing is really getting into me.

I can't believe you. I put so much respect in you because you are a very wise and opinionated man and full of aspiration, but you have disappointed me so much. You always go and say, "You and Your Bible" It's almost every wrong I do, you link it all up to the Bible like you know everything! It's as if you accused the Bible, its incapability to mend all my weaknesses and flaws. But no! Who do you think you are, to argue and wrestle in wrestle in everyone's mind that all of your words are accurate? Are correct? Are the only ones substantial? Your knowledge is not enough to fill us in. But God is always full of mercy, if it wasn't for his Holy Spirit I would've answered you back so rudely. There you go again, you act like you know everything.

You push me so hard that I am like a numb robot with no feelings. You said that your school had a geniuine mission, and that is to let every individual be themselves to the fullest. But you made me the minimal. You made me feel that I don't belong here. The more I became close to people outside this school, the more detach myself from people here. The more I love God, the more I hate the ways of this world.

"Don't be comformed by the ways of this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind."

Romans 12:2

Don't worry. I'll never answer you back. Just don't dare touch the subject of questioning God and the Bible. We are not some religious cult and try to understand that. And remember that the Bible has more authority than you, than everyone of us. So don't act like mister know-it-all, or mister I-can't-accept-your-point. I listened to yours, over and over, countless times since my elementary days. It's your time to hear mine.

I'll pray for you. But don't expect me to agree at everything you said because clever comebacks does not mean anything if your tongue is not in His side. I agree, you are encrusted with knowledgable things compared to me, but if I need to defend something from your mind full of reasons and your tongue full words, then let it so. Through this incident, I learned a lot of things. I still believe that God is still pushing through to work in their lives, even if now is not the time.

Over Acting

Today I decided that I am not serious about you.
If I pursue something out-of-hand, like having a relationship or trying to be friends with you just for the sake of my affections, then we would end up toying each others' hearts.

I read about love today. It said that any romantic relationship not leading to marriage is not worth pursuing. God will give us our perfect partner in time. So I do not need to dream about that special someone as you. My special someone can be anyone, do I need to repeat the same mistake again? Do I need to be stuck in my revieries with you as that person? What if I did not really like you without the skin on?

What the heck. Just be there okay! No more words.

Be that stand-out person I used to see from afar. That same stance, same face, same attire, same smile, your hair, your eyes, your aura, that never fails to tempt me to steal a glance. You're such a pretty guy. But I don't love you! I don't know what love means.

So I'm near the point where I can accept that you will not talk to me. But it's okay. :) I have a lot of persons to like, not just you. So bye.

Things to praise God for: :^)

1. Dance ministry!
2. I can already sleep 8 hours a day! (Thanks to our new school bus)
3. I can do my daily workout
4. Youth people are so nice to us...
5. Weekends... :)

Take note

I'm not a suicidal person!! >__>;; If in case, you have that thought cross in your mind, then it should be cleared up by now. I just love writing how dramatic poets do especially when I'm badtrip, like now. But you should never think that I cut my wrists. That's so wrong. It's the emotions that come about when you write about something that really matters.

Which brings me to an issue. I might write like this but I never talked like this in person. I can't express myself verbally this way. I am so tongue-tied. I get so uncomfortable in situations wherein I need to talk to people. Just even a plain silence can let me feel so awkward. I can't talk like this in person. I'm a tagalog person when I speak. I'm having a hard time conveying what I feel verbally, and God knows that...

That is why He gave me some blog to write my thoughts on. I can never speak so well, and I can't even tell a straight story without even saying "parang". So just please bear with me. >_> When I act like a snob all around, it's just that I can't speak or I can't find right words to say. Or I'm just afraid that I would say anything wrong. whew TGFB...Thank God for Blogs talaga. :D

Going away

A few days and you will be leaving again.

You know what comes to my mind?
Worry. I worry about you a lot. This is a world of possibilities. Good and bad possibilities. That is why I worry. But what could we lose? We have God. I am always praying that He will guide you in your way out there. Too sentimental, I know. But when is the right time to care? To show you that I'm concerned?

I never said "I love you" to you even once. But you know how much I do. He is already far away and you're the only one I have here left.

But don't worry. I will pray that God will take care of you, and us too.

Drowning

I did not cut my wrist but I feel bleeding.
I did not pierce my heart but I am so in pain.
My fragile emotions are giving me such a difficult time.

Countless instances, I have tried to forget. Countless instances, I just tried to snap back and not make much of a deal with it.

My motto was, just let it pass. But what if the process of letting it pass brings me so much pain?

It's not like I see you everyday. I try my best to guard myself whenever you are around. I plant my barricades in your presence. I try to erase every clue that you might grasp that I wanted to know you so bad.

Do you know how it feels? I feel so unwanted. It is so hard to be a ghost in your eyes. It is so hard as a fact that you are all that I see, yet you see everyone but me.

I never dared to talk to you or know you upfront. If I did, you would guess my intentions. And as you know, they are not much to bother about in your part. If I did, I would just be the typical girl, crushing on you, then comes and goes away. I never intended to be one of those people.

Every circumstance that happened between me and you concludes that I am not pretty enough, nor popular enough, not cool enough, not good enough to be in your league.

Should I cry myself every weekend because my eyes set on you again, but you did not care?
Should I waste my every journal page because of the bitterness I feel just because I haven't known you?

You know what?
You look so happy. It's as if you don't need another person like me in your life. Don't worry. I'm in pain but this will pass. It's not you having a hard time but me.

Can I just lock my heart until the time I should marry just so I could skip this pain? I know God would never allow me to, but I'm sure He is still with me every step I take in this situation.

The problem is, I go there to serve God but everytime I see him again, the hurt shoots back, like a boomerang, ready to thrust and rip off my chest.

It is better for me to long for him when he's gone than to see him there all hurried up to go away.

I hate myself for liking you. I hate myself that I long for you so much, and up to now I still refuse to look at God's side to see what He still has in store for me. How long shall I be trapped here?

I'm locked up in your realm. Because you make me feel happiness and sadness at the same point. Happy because there's you again, everything that I have ever admired was in you. Happy because you are a believer like me. Yet, sad because I can't know you. Sad because I can't cross that line.

You are my ideal. You are like a box, a box of my favorite things all stuffed up into a compact. But ideal is not always right. Idealism is not always meant for us. The only idealism we should parallel our hearts to is God's ideal. How could someone who loved you so much not give the best for you?

Still, this is a game and I still have God. If I should cry every night to Him just so I could get tired of you, then so be it.

Sick at Heart

I don't feel like going anywhere tomorrow.
I don't feel like seeing him again.
I try to listen to the message, but Satan urges me to look for him at the crowd instead. The distraction.
I'm so wasted and lethargic.
Still, I have a bundle of responsibilities tied up at me.
Jesus, help me.

Negative Effect

Our classroom scene:

Miss: ___, what is your opinion on the Protestant belief that we should only put our faith in Christ alone to be saved and not by doing good works or joining a church? Is it a positive or negative effect?

____: Negative po. Kasi po di naman natin kailangan umasa sa Kanya para maligtas tayo. Tayo lang din makakapagligtas sa atin.

Miss: Ayon ang paniniwala niya, kanya-kanya tayo ng beliefs...

I'm so sad that I cannot do anything at this place. Everyone's so opinionated that everybody is dying here. What I try to voice out will be labeled as a mere opinion. I cannot even do anything, not even to blurt out morsel of words to even shield the truth. Their lives are screwing up because they don't know for fact that there is joy in knowing God personally. But who am I to speak? They will laugh at me.

It seems so nonsense to them. Having a close personal relationship with some divine being whom you can't even see. I am so afraid that they will laugh at me and push me away. They might even say that they don't need God in their lives.

But who are they rejecting in the first place? It is not me, but the authority of Jesus. Still, it makes me feel sad that all I can do is pray- pray that God will give me a chance to use me to voice out His word with their prior understanding and unbiasness.

It is so hard these days. Everyone is so stubborn-hearted that I feel so weak to even fight for God's word.

Still, what is that barricade to God Himself? This I must face along with the minority. If He wants me to say something, then He will provoke me to speak up. Nothing is impossible with Him. As He has always promised, He will provide all the way.

A Song Post

Kailan
by: MYMP
If you want to listen to the song, click [here].

Bakit kaya nangangamba
Sa tuwing ika'y nakikita
Sana nama'y magpakilala...

Ilang ulit nang nagkabangga...
Aklat kong dala'y pinulot mo pa
'Di ka pa rin nagpakilala...

Bawat araw sinusundan
'Di ka naman tumitingin... 
Ano'ng aking dapat gawin

Bakit kaya umiiwas... 
Binti ko ba'y mayroong gasgas
Nais ko lang magpakilala

Dito'y mayroon sa puso ko
Munting puwang laan sa 'yo
Maaari na bang magpakilala...

Kailan, kailan mo ba mapapansin ang aking lihim
Kahit ano'ng aking gawin, 'di mo pinapansin... 
Kailan, kailan hahaplusin ang pusong bitin na bitin
Kahit ano'ng gawing lambing, 'di mo pa rin pansin...

Unknown Reason

I recently watched a feature show about a 9/11 airplane documentary. The exact happenings were in full detail and I was provoked to grasp the drama and tragedy of the event. It reenacted each story of every inncoent victim on the hijacked planes, and on the towers as well.

The story was so heart-wrenching that it granted me tears for the night. What if I was in their place? It would be too devastating.

Sometimes I doubted God because of His inability to stop these events. I finally understood that it is not His inability, but rather it is my incapability to understand what is really going on. God is not punishing America. God is not toying around with the towers. We only see a small pixel of the big picture of His Divine Plan.

Remember the Bible verse which said that, "both innocent and evil shall suffer"? Yet, surely, there is one main gap between them and that is their relationship with Christ. They will die alike but their difference is in their spirit and heart, which is very precious to God. We may never know what is the real reason behind this, and we still have a long way to go. Someday, we will be a part of history--told or untold.

History is truly His story. And I thank Him for the privilege of living my young life with His presence.

Give up

Keep dragging but I'll keep climbing.

No matter how many times you bash and make comedy out of our faith, you will not get us. No matter how many times you try to stomp down, belittling our beliefs and convictions, I know His hand will protect us.

[I remembered this one incident that we were asked to perform something out of our favorite song. Us three did a dance number out of Israel and New Breed's song, "You are Good". I knew they danced this in the joint worship last August of 2005. And I was so happy to make something out of a Christian song here in school. Since it was just a short-prepared performance, we still did well. After that, we went back to our seats and the boys shouted, "Kinarir!! Kinarir!!" I know I had to say nothing else but I can't take this crap anymore. And each time I remember that event, it still hurts. It still hurts that they do not respect us for who we are. This is mainly one of the reasons I hated going to school when I found out people my age who are actually enjoying their walk with God. There are a lot of hurtful instances and they are too many to tell. I know this is part of being a Christian, but who are they making fun of? Isn't it The One who created them? Sick, sick, sick. And to know that one of those people are the ones we invited to the youth? Sick, insensitive, and utter hypocrites.]

I am weak externally but I know who guards my heart.

So give up. Taunt all you want. Like a blank wall, it will just bounce off and even hit your face. God will take care of me.

You

You smile, my heart stirs with glee.

I like everything about you. Crazy enough, I look for you in every crowd. Just to know that you are there makes me happy enough.

Just do your thing. You might not know, but I am a fan. I wonder, can I ever reach someone like you? Can I even approach you just so I could know what it's like to have converse with you? But I am weak. I can never move an inch closer because I hate to see you move away.

What is not true will be gone. You don't need to know me. I don't need to sandwich myself in your life. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to make things complicated for you. I have already predicted something that would likely happen if I forced myself into your life. I won't fall in line, don't worry. Be busy with everyone else, but expect me not to be there. I'll just watch you over with my binoculars. You don't need to feel my presence.

But expect yourself to be my reason for smiling. Expect yourself to be my anti-depressant. I can still wait, but forever is uncertain. You just stay there, and make me happy. You don't need to do anything special. Just be there for the rest of us. For God.

You don't need to preach me anything. God will give me a perfect partner someday. Just let me admire you here, away, and understand that this is just a phase I am going through. My heart and mind is only half-matured. In two or three years, this might just be a memory. So, just let it be. God will decide for me someday. For the meantime, you're here. Make my day.

Forgiveness from a friend

I was thinking about this a couple of weeks ago and now I finally have the chance to write about it. It is about a friend, whom I ask forgiveness for.

I have a number of people that surround me in my daily environment. I say 'hi' to them and they say 'hi' to me back. I have a lot of friends that I give gifts during Christmas. I have a lot of friends that greet me at my birthday. But when it comes to the real me, I have only about three or four persons I share my life with. They are the people I am most comfortable with. They are my best friends. We share giggles together. We share kilig moments together. We had the best and worst of times, and we had our differences pile up between us. But that didn't stop us to share things with each other. We might argue, but after a while, our frowns are erased and we come back together.

Before I stepped into highschool, I had such a wonderful bestfriend. Up to now I still treasure the stationeries she sent to me personally. I still remember the first time we talked, the first time she knew my crush and I knew hers. We happen to like the same boy. We would walk around the corridor, laugh at the same stuff over and over again, and talk about our special "boy". Before we knew it, we were best friends. Because of our super closeness to each other, some people typecasted us as kambal. But I know she was different from me. She gets more attention than I, and she every guy in school seemed to go crazy for her. She was downright pretty, and people praise her for that. This didn't bother me a lot before, because I don't really care as long as I am important to her and she is important to me.

Not until the time I found out that our crush liked her. I felt so sad and insecure. I began to compare myself to her, and I felt so less than she is. Then I began to feel bitter when people tease her to the boy. I was secretly angry with her. Was it her fault? No. It was my envy. I envied her because she was the chosen one. I envied her because everybody liked her. I envied her because she was shining more even when the two of us walked along the hall.

At the end of elementary year I stopped liking the boy. And it was one of my biggest regrets when I detached myself from my best friend whom have known me for two years straight. I detached from her because I found out that she still likes the boy and the boy likes her. And because I was bitter to her, I went away and hung out with everybody else.

And now that the crushes have faded, the boy doesn't seem to be that important to me anymore. I let go of something even more special. And that was my friendship to her. Just because of my selfishness, I ruined something that could've been a meaningful thing to me. She transferred schools after grade 6, and I don't talk to her anymore. My message for her:

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the things I did, and all the things that caused me to hurt you. I hurt you because I was so envious that you had everything I want. And now that I don't like him anymore, I felt that I lost more. I lost what could have been a wonderful memory for both of us. I hope just forgive me. Alam mo naman siguro na ganun lang talaga ako. I'm not perfect. I don't know. Di ko kasi maeexpress to sayo ng personal. Di ko rin to masasabi sayo sa pagmessage ko sa friendster dahil masyadong "baduy" or "cheesy". I hope that someone will send you a sign to just let you in this site to read this. Ahh...sorry kung nagigi na akong masyadong senti, kasi naguiguilty lang talaga ako sa mga pinaggagawa ko sayo dati. Kaya ko lang naman ginawa yun kasi inggit ako sayo. Kahit wala ka na sa school, ok lang. Sana masaya ka na rin dyan. Sana meron ka na rin best friend na di ka kaiinggitan pag ikaw pinili sa inyong dalawa. Di ko na crush yun. Di na rin big deal yun sakin. Who cares? Tapos na lahat yun. Hahahaha!!! ANG CORNY KO GRABE........ang drama ko talaga. Pero ok lang, at least nalaman mo na. Sorry talaga. Sorry Judith...

Wanting it all

People generally want everything in life. They want to be financially secured, to have a family, to have a house and a car, to have a good job and to live "The Life". For the typical teenager, what they want is plain simple: the attention, the love of those special people around them, and of course, to live "The Life". People try to dream it big when they see the super-famous celebrities in the TV, whereas they are being blinded in the fact that no life is a perfect life. They think that worldly success is what they need to quench their desires. For so many years, people have come and gone. Some have reached the peak of the world to see disappointment upon what it has to offer. They haven't testified enough. Most individuals nowadays still want to experience that wordly peak, and what they don't know is there is, and there will always be something missing.

Me? I used to like attention. I used to like it when people come and notice me. I used to like the concern they give me. I used to like it when I feel special around them. And when I don't get it, I pursue a contest, a hobby, or do something to myself to get noticed again. I was always thinking of an unrealistic statement, that I can please everyone. I can make them like me. My dreams were so self-centered, and attention has become a drug that I need to accumulate every now and then. And what happens when I don't get it? I pity myself. I look to other people and think that my situation is unfair compared to them. I get bitter and angry for a selfish reason.

More so when people bring me down. More so when they mock me, and think that they are better than me. More so when they try to overpower something that I have to just for the sake of taking it away from me. But now, I decided to give it up. I can't be perfectly happy in this life. I can't have all the things I want. When I look to other people, I have the tendency to think that she is better than me. But I know God will give me something better, something that I need more. I do not need to force myself to pursue something I'm really not meant for. I do not need to cheat my way on it, or do something that will get me to do it in a dishonest way. My conscience will kill me. And God knows the agenda of my heart.

I try to shake away jealousy and envy away from my heart. I try not to compare myself to other people. What do I need more? I have the most significant thing in the world, and that is the knowledge of the saving grace of Jesus. Jesus already saved me because He knew that my life here on earth is temporary. He knew that my desires for earthly things will do no good to me.

You know what everybody needs on this earth? Contentment. I have watched an environmental advertisement and it has a quote that said,

"The earth can satisfy our need, but it can't satisfy our greed."

I realized that this does not go just for environmental causes but also for the general desires of all the people in this planet. Those of which are the material things that they think will make them feel complete. Greed is a black ink that stains our heart. When it enters into our lives, we can't see any other good thing. It overpowers all the wonderful colors that used to be in our hearts. No matter how much other color we put in, the blackness of greed consumes them all up. That explains why we have no place for greed in our hearts. You want to be complete? Turn back to Jesus. He will sustain your every need and will grant you things you never imagined. Maybe not a new car. Maybe not the prettiest face. Maybe not a million-dollar check. Or maybe not the attention and praise you want from everybody. Ask Him to grant you contentment. And keep in mind that in short years, earthly things will perish. What you need is to let God take control of your life.

"But seek first God's Kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

He will provide. He will provide all the way. All we need is to seek Him, and everything else will follow.

Belated Happy New Year

Just wanted to greet everyone a happy and blessed new year! ^_^

One thing I wish for all the people is that they will end their regrets and move on to the present situation.

Whatever happened, whatever has come, God let it so. So the best we can do is to reinvent ourselves for another year ahead.

I hate regretting things (who does? :P)! And now, as of January 2006, I will try to break the chain of hurtful regrets that happened in the past.

And so that's for me and new year. Take care everyone! I love you all and God bless. :)

All downhill from here

[originally handwritten, Jan 1, about 11pm]

Have you ever felt like you were trying to forget about something, and you were expecting one event...one situation just so you could divert your attention in order for your mind to break away from the things you were trying to forget? But then suddenly with a split second, all the things you expected to make you feel better suddenly broke down and blew it all in your face?

Talaga nga naman. I guess it's really true. I was being too idealistic of what 'family' is being defined. Nobody's perfect. But everything's just too sucky for me these days.

Those things that I anticipated to comfort me or make me feel happy are those things that let me down.

And now I think God's really teaching me something. No one can achieve perfect bliss in this world. Not even Buddhists. Now I learned that if I lean my happiness on earthly things (like family stability, love, attention), I will just disappoint myself. I remember this verse from the Bible (I'm not good at memorrizing but here it goes):

"Seek God's kingdom first and all these things shall be added unto you..."

Maybe those things meant His abundant providence. I know God will provide but He's waiting for me to come and seek Him.

But now, as I write this entry, I realize. He already opened my heart and enlightened me about this. So now, I will redirect my paths again and align it over to Jesus' safety line. :)

Things I will miss (schools tomorrow) -__-;;

1. Christmas & New Year Season
2. Hot Lunches - I mean literally 'hot'. I rarely eat hot lunches because we have our lunches packed and they get all cold and cubed up inside the plastic tupperware....so, I will miss my hot lunches. u__u;
3. Party Food - who will not miss this stuff....
4. My friends in CCF - I won't see them every 6 days a week because Youth Worship was moved to Sunday @ 12...
5. Sleeping - I will miss these so much!!
6. Going out - I will probably stay at home all the time
7. Blogging - it's more likely I will blog less and less.. :-(
8. The vacation

And probably a lot more things I can't think about right at this moment. If I could wish something, maybe it's to send someone who looked like me to go to school for me. xD I don't want to go to school....probably there are a few people I miss and I wish too see, but hey, there's YM and friendster so why bother?

I know I can't complain about going to school. There are so many underprivileged who are desiring to go to school so bad and here I am, complaining about how school "sucked". But hey, I know I can get through this. Just for the sake of studying! Just for the sake of excelling in academics and school-related activities. I don't need my popularity there, I don't need attention nor recognition there. Heck, I don't even need friends there if they are not real. I can count by my fingers who of those people in school are dearest to my heart.

So, bye blogger. I'll miss writing you very often. I'll miss vacation. Three months and I will be the happiest person alive. :)